I Will Not Take These Things For Granted
by KissingChaos
Summary: Ryan.Seth slash; "I’d rather be on the ocean alone, where I have no choice but to be alone, than in Newport, alone when I don’t have to be."


Disclaimer: Characters belong to Josh Schwartz, AKA my Creator/Writer Boyfriend. Lyrics from Toad the Wet Sprocket.

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* * *

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_one part of me just wants to tell you everything  
one part just needs the quiet_

__

"Where are you?"  
  
"On the boat."  
  
"Damn it, Seth. I mean it. Where the hell are you?"  
  
"What does it matter, Ryan? I'm on the ocean. Where are you?"  
  
"Teresa's mother's house. How long are you going to be gone?"  
  
"How long are you going to be in Chino?"  
  
"Seth, listen. I'm sorry, okay? I have to do this. Seth? Seth? Seth, damn it, talk to me. I'm not hanging up this phone until you talk to me."  
  
"You'd be amazed at how long I can just sit and listen to you breathe, Ryan."

_and if I'm lonely here, I'm lonely here  
and on the telephone  
you offer reassurance_

__

__

"How's the ocean?"  
  
"Watery. I'm so freaking bored. I've read everything I brought, like, twice. And, also, for the record, the first day of Goober Grape? Fantastic. The fourteenth? Deadly."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind. Have you—"  
  
"Yeah, I talked to my mom this morning. I'm probably grounded until college, but amazingly, they didn't make me come home. I have a feeling, though, that the coast guard is following me."  
  
"Probably."  
  
"So, how're things?"  
  
"I got a job, working on a construction site. Teresa's mom actually spoke to me last night. I talked to your dad."  
  
"Are you still pissed at me?"  
  
"Not really. Kinda. Maybe. I don't know. Are you?"  
  
"Kinda. I don't know, either. I just wish…I just wish, if we were both going to run away, we could've at least coordinated a joint effort, you know?"  
  
"Yeah. I know"

_how can I hold the part of me that only you can carry?  
it needs a strength I haven't found_

__

"So, you're on dry land now?"  
  
"Yeah, I docked last night. It's amazing here, man. Totally beautiful. I hate it."  
  
"I know the feeling. Well, not the beautiful, amazing part, but the hate part."  
  
"Yeah. So, when did we develop awkward silences?"  
  
"Why did you leave?"  
  
"And the awkward silences have become awkward segues. That's cool. Ryan, we've talked about this like a million times."  
  
"So why don't you try telling me the truth for once? And don't sigh at me, either. I hate that."  
  
"I left because I didn't want to be in Newport anymore. I told you that."  
  
"Yeah, but I still don't get it. What about Summer? She's all you've ever wanted, and now that you've got her, you leave her behind?"  
  
"Maybe everything I've ever wanted isn't what I want anymore, Ryan. And maybe what I do want isn't in Newport. It's in Chino. And I'd rather be on the ocean alone, where I have no choice but to be alone, than in Newport, alone when I don't have to be."

_but if it's frightening, I'll bear the cold  
and on the telephone  
you offer warm asylum_

__

"Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"I kinda didn't know if I'd talk to you again. After my ill-advised outburst last time. So, I'm glad you called."  
  
"Yeah, uh, about that. Seth—"  
  
"We don't have to talk about it, do we? Cause, um, it's really hot out here and I was dehydrated and delirious and—"  
  
"I didn't want to leave. Especially you. I didn't want to leave you, and I'm sorry. I did what I thought I had to do. I need you to understand that, Seth. Please. I am asking you to try and understand."  
  
"I know, Ryan. I know. And I understand. I hate it, and it breaks my heart, but I understand."  
  
"When are you coming home?"  
  
"As soon as I figure out how to make it feel like home again without you there."

_I'm listening  
flowers in the garden  
laughter in the hall  
children in the park  
I will not take these things for granted  
anymore_

__

"Did you take any pictures with you?"  
  
"Yeah. The one of all of us at Chrismukkah. Why?"  
  
"Just don't want you to forget what I look like."  
  
"The weird thing is, the longer I go without seeing you, the more I actually remember about what you look like. I guess that's how it goes. It was the same way with my dad, and my mom."  
  
"Ryan, I'm not—"  
  
"No, I know, Seth. You're not the same as my parents. I was just making a point."  
  
"Which was?"  
  
"When people leave you, for whatever reason, your mind creates a detailed portrait of them with every tiny detail you can possibly remember from memories and images in your dreams. And that image stays etched in your memory even when you can't remember what someone sounded like, or smelled like. You can still remember what they looked like at that specific moment."  
  
"It's not like you'll never see me again, Ryan."  
  
"I know, Seth…it's the—Nevermind. Seth?"  
  
"I left because I love you."  
  
"Seth? Seth?"

_to crawl inside the wire and feel something near me  
to feel this accepting  
that it is lonely here, but not alone  
and on the telephone  
you offer visions dancing_

"Where the hell have you been?"  
  
"Whoa, I'm having déjà vu, man."  
  
"Seth, damn it, I've been calling you for three days. Where have you been?"  
  
"Around. I'm sorry, I just couldn't—I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I'm sorry. Can we just forget—"  
  
"Seth, shut the hell up. Jesus, are you really that dense?"  
  
"What the—"  
  
"Seth, I love you, okay? I fucking love you. I love you, and you're God knows where on the ocean, and I'm in fucking Chino, and if I could go back to that day in your room, I would probably smack the hell out of you with the map and make you ask me to stay, but I can't, okay? I just can't go back, and I can't unleave, and I'm fucking talking like you now, do you hear me? I'm rambling, for God's sake. What?"  
  
"I said, I'm coming home. I'm on my way now."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I mean, I know you won't move back to Newport. Or can't. Whatever. But maybe, when I get home, I could…"  
  
"I would like that. If you…"  
  
"Good. I will, then. And maybe we can figure something out."  
  
"We will. Figure something out."  
  
"Good. Cause I do. Love you."  
  
"Me, too."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Shit, I gotta go to work. Can I call you back when I get off tonight?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."  
  
"Hurry. Home." 


End file.
